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Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
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12:24 pm - the word of the day is: distraction
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Master's at work ... my fever is still high ... doctor's appointment is tomorrow ... i'm stuck in bed, so using my laptop and taking advantage of the time to catch up on the forums over at bondage.com.
i know what day tomorrow is ... i just want to be distracted from it. it's too close for me. out of 12 people missing on my mailing lists, only one was found. i've hoped that the other 11 also made it out ok, and reprioritized their lives so that they're not online anymore, but i know that's not realistic. it's hard to lose someone you only know by their screenname, everyone assumes you aren't entitled to any sadness, "it's only online, it's not real." but those were real people that shared their emotions, their triumphs and weaknesses, their knowledge and support, and i miss them.
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well, i'm slightly distracted by memories of last night *wry grin* we tried fisting again, with better results. i'm anatomically weird, i think, just too damn small. i learned that even without the thumb inserted, the fist-er can still curl their fingers and do a lot of the things that are the joy of fisting, so i don't feel i'm losing out at all. Master kept eye contact, coached my breathing, and also said "i'm so proud of you" which had me weeping on top of crying from the intensity of the moment. whenever he calls me "good girl" or says he's proud of me, something breaks inside me, the tears can't be stopped. at first he was worried, now we both understand it's just another part of who i am, and what he does to me.
something i noticed today, and will write about in Master's journal as well ... my abandonment issues are heightened quite a lot! nothing logical, just my endorphins talking. i feel a need to be held, then i feel guilty for being too clingy, then just want to be held ... in a slow, steady circle. i feel this any time we cross a threshhold, or have an intense scene. i think it's normal, for me at least.
current mood:  tired
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| Saturday, August 24th, 2002
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10:58 pm - coming up for air again :)
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i'm sorry it's been so long since my last update ... i have a private, daily journal that i keep for Master, and i haven't yet found a balance between what i want to convey publicly and what is better left private.
i can say ... i love life :) being an owned slave is different than anything my imagination ever came up with. it's not like most of the writings i've seen online ... it's just life, plus.
my days consist of doing all the same things i used to do, plus taking care of Master's needs. he'll "task" me with additional things, if he feels i need more structure in order to get things done ... a task is a *must do* and takes priority over other things. complicating this are my physical limitations ... i have to be brutally honest, first with myself and then with Master, about the difference between *wanting* to rest and *needing* to rest. if i examine my motivations closely and it's a want, i push onward. if it's a need, i'm under strict orders to rest ... this protects Master's property from illness and physical damage. all this being said, it sounds a lot easier than it is to put it into practice.
we had a great scene last Thursday ... we bought 2 sturdy eye hooks, 2 sturdy S-links, and 2 5-foot lengths of steel chain, for the living room. there's a plant and a Victorian ornament hanging on them now *grin* but on Thursday it was me and the chains hanging there. i LOVED it ... it looked good, it was comfortable (he used the suspension cuffs, and lowered my arms until he found the perfect "comfort zone" for my arms). it was strenuous ... standing with arms raised, spanked by hand, cropped, flogged light to heavy, caned, and paddled ... plus clover clamps ... ironically some of the worst pain came from my feet, will need to stand on a carpet or pad next time!
this was one of those scenes where i hadn't had a total release in a while, and Master sensed he needed to "break" me ... it worked. i cried, it always feels good to cry, to have permission to just go with the intense emotions. finally it got to be too much, my brain was shorting out on some very heavy paddle strokes, i normally struggle a bit, or stand on my toes, but this time i twisted all the way around and screamed. Master immediately took me down (the cuffs have panic snaps) and set me on the sofa, he stayed by my side and held me. i was crying and laughing at the same time, flying high ... apologizing for not remembering to say "yellow" ... Master understood, he knew if he couldn't push me to say yellow, he guessed at the point where i would have said it if i could, and he was exactly right. i'm not to apologize for using safewords, and now also for being in a place where i can't verbalize one ... he's always called yellow or red exactly when i would have, so we both realize our limits mesh perfectly.
Master gave me peach juice and tissues, and i curled up in my favorite flowred sheet while i watched him put the room back to rights. it was so calming ... just as when he "breaks" me and always puts me back together, i love watching him restore order to chaos.
thanks for reading! :) i'll end with a poem i wrote for Master recently ...
Your touch
Your heart
Your soul
are my only anchors
to this world.
You take me
and then You take me
to places
i've never even imagined
places
made of pain and bliss
made of spun dreams and wishes.
You turn me inside out
You pull me
You push me
You send me flying into the air
yet You anchor me
firmly, in silver, leather, steel and rope
softly, in spiritual glow.
Your soul calls to mine
i answer
"i am here, inside You"
do You hear me?
crying and shaking
feeling like a small child
lost in a very big place
Your voice,
Your hand guides me back.
i want to say
i am nothing without You
but i am something
created by You
found by You
sculptured by You
transformed by You
orchestrated by You
chained by You
bound by You.
You tear me apart
and play with my pieces
tenderly, like a curious child
You put me back together
quietly, with reverence
You leave me more whole
than before
You always leave
part of Yourself behind.
and so my body arches
trembles
sweats
i cry out
i cry for mercy
i cry
and You take what is Yours
and do what You wish
and Your wishes
become my dreams
and You
become my heart.
current mood:  peaceful
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| Saturday, July 20th, 2002
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9:22 pm - slave 318041
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| Friday, June 28th, 2002
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2:35 pm - a thank you to Master
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i'm writing this thank you in my public journal rather than private because i want to share with other subs/slaves something wonderful ...
i want to thank Master for putting me on orgasm restriction.
i was just reading a post in a forum, written by a slave, and her words helped remind me what i find so fascinating about being denied orgasm.
Master put me on orgasm restriction very early in our relationship ... i was to have no orgasms unless He gave them to me. after a few days i realized this also meant no masturbation at all ... because after He put me on this restriction i am constantly close to orgasm! i never know when Master is going to touch me, or fuck me, i never know when i'll be allowed to climax ... i love not knowing. it's like falling and knowing only He can catch me. it all serves to build my passion and devotion towards Master, at first sexually, but now i realize it's not just sexual ... it's an overwhelming passion to serve Him, to see Him happy, to adore Him, to just "be" for Him.
Master is not stingy with the orgasms that He chooses to give me ... in fact, sometimes it's the other way around, i'm not allowed to stop coming and rest, He plays my body like Yo Yo Ma plays the cello *weg*
Master also introduced a new game, where he started touching my clit when i was already on the edge of orgasm, told me there would be 5 minutes on the clock before i'd be allowed to come ... it was sweet torture, seemed like forever ... i asked "how much longer?" and He said "it's not for you to know" and i just MELTED body heart mind and soul into Him ... i stopped wanting to beg and just looked into His eyes and trusted. it was a mindblowing experience.
orgasm restriction has resulted in me being able to come on His verbal command, at first only right after coming from touch, as time goes on the gap grows greater and i still find myself wrapped in orgasms just from looking into His eyes and hearing His words. with Master, i've had orgasms from just about every kind of stimulation, whereas before i met Him, i only came from masturbating, and even that took a while. it's a precious gift he's given to me, the gift of denial of pleasure, it only makes my all of passions grow and i am on fire for Him 24/7.
thank You, Master {{{soft blushy smiles and hugs}}}
current mood:  thankful
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10:02 am - life is good
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(if there are ?s instead of quote marks, please forgive me it keeps pasting that way from WP and i don't have time to edit today)
i?m sorry i haven?t been keeping up this journal as regularly as i used to, thank you to those who?ve written to remind me to come up for air once in a while *blush*
i?m sitting in bed using my laptop right now while Master is at work, i?m under orders to rest.
one unexpected benefit of being Master?s slave is being able to play Diablo with Master and assist him in killing the bad guys and help pick up all the loot ... we play just as we live, i serve him and give him everything and he takes good care of me ... BDSM and video games, who knew? *grinz*
i?ve had to rest a LOT lately ... from traveling back and forth to Master?s old place, from helping him move to this place (my former apartment), from getting a sinus infection, from all of my normal disability issues. and the heat ... oy, the heat! it knocks me flatter every year it seems, even as i lose weight, i still get too hot. Master has been taking fantastic care of me ... but it?s hard to deal with that psychologically. i realize he?s merely taking good care of his property, but it?s very hard for me to sit still and rest, not be serving him, watch him ?serving? me. he orders me to rest ... i serve him best by resting my body.
i?m still struggling with that concept, have talked to Master much about it. i?ve always been a type-A personality, very driven, even as a ?gimp? i?m always doing something, creating something, on the go every moment. i push myself, hard, then i crash. that?s no longer acceptable ... in order to serve Master, i must rest. it?s a paradox, will probably take me a while to really figure it out emotionally. i feel most in my proper headspace when i?m serving actively ... serving passively is harder, ironically.
i love doing all the little things that mean a lot, though ... anticipating Master?s needs ... bringing him his favorite micro-batch soda flavors and opening the bottle before serving it to him, laying out his clothes, bringing a towel as he gets out of the shower ... organizing things, lining things up, assisting him when he works on something. when i?ve been so sick i was stuck in bed, Master brought the soda and opener to me, so i could still serve him ... i can?t say how much that means to me, how much it touches my heart.
my divorce will be final October 28. my husband is still living here, and while it?s been tense and uneasy sometimes, overall it?s going in a positive direction. we?re figuring out property stuff, keeping it out of the courts because we don?t want a judge deciding about sentimental things and heirlooms. because i?m disabled i qualify for various sorts of aid, but not until the divorce is final ... which is too late, cuz i need legal aid now! it?s very confusing, i?m calling DSS Monday for help.
Master bought a new toy *weg* a 4-foot black rubber singletail whip. ooh it is nasty! it looks so pretty, rolling out from his hand as graceful as a snake, it mesmerizes me to watch him take some test shots. but when i?m the target ... YOUCH! it?s got some sharp little tails below the popper, and OW OW OW they cut like a knife. if he whipped me any harder i do think the welts would be cuts. but i knew it was going to be fun the first time we saw it in a store and he tried it on my back ... one of those toys that can thud and sting and cut at the same time, or flicker and tickle, depending on how Master is working it. one project i have a goal for is to take more pics, get more pics of us online. i?ll take some pics of Master doing singletail target practice. i can?t recommend the whip?s maker because it was unlabeled ... i did a big web search and couldn?t find anything like it! we got it at Hubba Hubba in Cambridge, MA, it was the last one they had.
my butt doesn?t keep welts like it used to *frown* it does keep bruises but only deep ones. like right now i have broken capillaries from a spanking with a hairbrush *ow! giggle!* i really do wish the welts would stay around, they?re so pretty at first! i mark above the waist on my back, on my thighs, and on my breasts, though.
BDSM is *not* just about the toys, not just about the playing. well, sometimes it is, but in a Master/slave relationship, it?s about so much more. i notice there?s a distinct lack of webpages out there where Masters and slaves talk about relationship issues, their hearts, their feelings ... it makes it seem like it?s all about the toys, the punishments, the scenes. they leave out the parts about how it?s fun to cook together, how great it feels to French-braid a Master?s long hair so he looks neat for work, how to look after each other when you both have medical conditions (Master is diabetic). when it?s not too hot to sit up and i have more time, i want to re-do my website so there?ll be at least one Master/slave site where it?s not all about the toys and the scenes. although i bet we will still have a lot of that in there too *lol*
*waves at A/all and goes off for a nap*
current mood: peaceful
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| Thursday, May 23rd, 2002
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2:36 pm - Master, meli and Manray
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went to a Friday night "fetish night" at Manray club in Boston ... WOW.
Master bought lovely clothes to wrap his property in. a black lace corset-top with hooks-and-eyes all down the front, and a long black skirt ... two layers: a sweeping billowing satin layer underneath a black cotton layer that laces up like a corset with satin ribbon through metal grommets, the grommets go the entire length of the skirt, he left the bottom half unlaced ... the whole thing flows when i walk.
Master also bought me a leash ... heavy heavy steel, with a black leather strap, and a heavy extender chain with clips (for other uses as well *blushygrins*).
just putting on the outfit was amazing ... putting on makeup and having him tell me a little more of this, a little less of that ... with every second, i felt myself slipping into something like subpsace. i stood taller, with better posture ... i felt as if a string was in my spine, coming out of the top of my head, pulling me ever higher, ever straighter, under his watchful gaze. he said he approved.
he put his utility collar on me, it matches the wrist and ankle cuffs he puts on me. just below it lay the intricate, heavy silver chain he collared me with. again, i felt as if he was tugging me ever upwards ... i burned under his gaze. i walked differently, i realized ... i was wearing my comfy platform sandals, they're 3" high but fairly flat to wear,black leather with silver designs on them. i also wore a bindi Master had picked out for me, black cats-eye with rhinestones on silver, for my third eye (center of the forehead).
from the moment i stood for inspection and he approved, and all night long, i felt him pulling me straighter, taller ... i found myself walking more carefully, gracefully ... i felt utterly a part of him, as if he walked with a fine cane that people could admire, i felt him using my body as an extension of his. i've never felt this way before, even with my former Master! it was amazing. i'm still glowing and it's been a week.
we got to the club, parked, and he walked around and clipped the leash to my collar. i felt myself sway, there was this really intense moment i can't describe in words, other than to say it's the same feeling i get when he commands me with his eyes. he walked me, in public, on this leash, to the club. it just felt so *right*.
we went in, and i saw people staring at us, i felt like i wanted to be invisible and have them only see Master. i tuned everyone but Master out, with occasional peeks at some of the more goth-y dancers, or to check out what everyone was wearing for future reference. we danced ... it was so wonderful!! he pulled my leash, my collar ... he pulled me with his eyes, his lips ... we just danced. i let go of inhibitions and sang the music with my body, got into it like i always do.
next to us was a "dungeon" area, which Master says is new. a Mistress was flogging and teasing a sub (or slave) who was wearing all white lace ... i watched it a bit, not wanting to take my eyes from Master's face, but fascinated. especially the rabbit fur flogger ... i thought "what a cute toy!" as in, how soft it must be. whoops! *lol*
at some point Master led me into the dungeon area ... i think he talked to someone and asked to visit the Mistress. her boy was rubbing her feet as she rested from her scene, we made eye contact very briefly and nodded and smiled at each other. i know i am a slave ... but those "aha" moments when i am reminded of it yet again ... WOW. it felt good to be recognized.
Master led me to the suspension cuffs and spreader bar and hooked up my arms. i kicked off my shoes to stretch the suspension. i spread my legs and straightened my neck, held my head upright, and cast my eyes down at the floor. i remained that way except for one moment ...
i really had no idea of how many people were watching .. how far or near they were ... what their reactions were. Master said there were a lot of people watching, smiling, etc. at one point a man leaned into the playspace and waved his hand right in front of my face ... a major breach of etiquette!! i glanced up in confusion, he was smiling at me and giving me the thumbs up ... Master was selecting a toy and didn't see it ... i wasn't sure what to do ... i smiled slightly and mouthed "thank you" and returned my eyes to the floor, resolving to not move them again no matter what, unless Master wished me to look into his eyes (i can sense/anticipate when he wants that, it's so wild!).
he flogged me with his own flogger ... clothed, but hard enough to move my clothes, to move my whole body really. i just kept relaxing into a Tai Chi stance, not as bent at the knee, but centered Chi. sometimes i'd lean into his work, lifting or dropping my head ... it was just so natural! this was the first time we'd scened in a space where he could walk all the way around me. i had no idea my body was going to react like that, it was just so amazing.
i felt the rabbit fur brush my arm and felt happy ... then i felt its heavy thud! he told me later that under and beyond the fur was a very heavy leather flogger *lol* i remember being able to hear the hits over the music, and my skirt swaying wildly with the blows to my hips. he used the beat of the music to flog me. he also used a vibrating hairbrush to brush my hair, to touch me with ... wow *smiles*
i lost all track of time and space. i was only aware of the heavy beat of the music, with Master orchestrating me to match it ... just another instrument. i loved every moment of it. i was just being "me" ... a submissive, a slave, an object, a display, a piece of performance art ... Master's canvas. i wish i could see a video of it ... to see him at work!! feeling it was amazing, i can't imagine how good he looked. he was in tux and tails, top hat, long hair flowing like a wild lion. *swoon* ok so yes, i do have a major crush on Master, in addition to being his slave and being in love with him. *lol*
he finished by taking my hands down, kissing them, grabbing my hair hard and kissing me (i melt when he does that!!), and sat me down on the couch. he and the Mistress talked some more. she even showed us her baby's pictures!! i love a "real" person, one who is in the lifestyle because it's just who they are, not posing. the Mistress was very real and i really appreciated meeting her. she gave me a little hug and kiss on the cheek and told me i did well and to come back anytime *blushgrins* so there may well be another trip to Manray soon.
i'm writing about this because if anyone had told me a month ago that i would not only be coming out of my shell, but being flogged publicly on my first visit to a public playspace like that ... i would have said, "you?re crazy!" Master pushes me and pulls me to new levels constantly. he knows what's inside me and i trust him to find it and bring it out, even if i don't know it's there. at the same time we're still yin and Yang, equals ... i guess this is the "power exchange" so many people talk about. we are equals ... Master is simply, well, more equal *lol*
i wasn't nude but i know if he had wished it of me, i would have been able to drop my clothes in a hurry. like i said, i wasn't aware of anyone but Master except for a few seconds here and there. when we left, i walked with the same decorum as i went in, except now i was deeply in subspace and it was harder and easier at the same time ... i had to concentrate, but the concentration only deepened my submissive feelings and allowed me to maintain proper form.
this was also the first time i'd worn a sleeveless top in public in many, many years ... always too self-conscious about my upper arms ... i felt none of that, from beginning to end. i was being "me" for the first time in a very long time, actually, for the very first time ... "me" as i am now, means Master's, which i have never been before. everything is new ... i keep waiting for the thrill to wear off, and it doesn't! it goes on steadily, like water, not fire.
just wanted to share a great experience with my readers ... and also to recommend the Manray club in Boston to anyone in the area, Friday nights are "fetish" nights. we don't have pics because my camera broke, but Master found his camera today so we'll have pics of my outfit next time ... no pics allowed in the club. thanks for reading *soft smile*
current mood:  bouncy
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 10th, 2002
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6:38 pm - breathing
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i'm ok ... things are ok ... the world didn't end after all *lol* but it did serve to remind me of how very much i am Owned by Master. i'm glad that i react to both his pleasure and displeasure with all of my being.
current mood: peaceful
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| Thursday, May 9th, 2002
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12:32 pm - i displeased Master
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i am having a very deep problem with the fact that i displeased Master last night ...
there was a troll on #forums, and Master told me to put him on ignore. i did. the troll logged off and back on, and the /ignore didn’t stick. the troll was apologizing to the channel, one of the other members had chastised him, and i was interested in seeing how well she did. Master asked me in PM if i had put him back on ignore. i said “no problemo” as in, i thought Master was asking a question from Pan to meli ... and i was expressing that the troll was no longer being offensive. it was a question from Master to slave, and i did not recognize it as such.
Master said he was “not pleased” with me ... he wanted to hear that i had put the troll back on ignore, not “no problemo.” i felt confused for a moment ... i realized that i had missed a direct order, that i had viewed it as conversation. my eyes returned to the words “not pleased” ... and my world shattered. everything fell out from under me. i cried out. my heart pounded in my chest, began racing. i apologized, put the troll on ignore, and let Master know, and apologized again. he told me not to dwell on it ... to learn and move on.
am i disobeying him by feeling emotional about it today? i’ve learned that i need to pay closer attention to what he says in channel or PM, and that if i honestly don’t know if he’s giving me a direct Order, then i need to ask him ... but only *after* i’ve obeyed the Order. it is hard not having a tone of voice or facial expression or body language, or even “in the same room” vibes, to go on. that’s no excuse ... an Order is an Order ... Master is very concise with his Orders to me online, so in essence that is his tone of voice, and i feel confident that i can pay better attention to that in the future. so, i have learned, and i am moving on, about the learning part.
the emotional part ... it is devastating. i have never heard the words “displeased” or “not pleased” in any D/s interaction i’ve ever had in my entire life. i feel thrown into a deep, dark place of fear ... all alone ... knowing i need to patiently wait until i’m able to talk to Master again ... knowing and trusting he’ll understand me, knowing he’ll guide me.
i feel absolutely vicious towards myself, emotionally. how dare i displease the man who has given me so much of himself! i’m scared ... is it that i was not displeasing before, and now that i am older, i am displeasing? is it that no Dom or Master ever took such a deep interest in me before, so it’s going to be more frequent that i displease him?
it truly feels devastating. i know a sub/slave can be their own worst enemy when it comes to punishment, but i had no idea how vicious i could feel towards myself. i had NO idea how much of my being is invested in pleasing Master, until i displeased him. i thought i knew the depth of our relationship, but i had NO idea. it is far deeper than i ever thought it could be, and it continues to suprise me daily.
i realize this is a “small” thing, relative to how other slaves displease or disobey their Masters. it’s only such a large thing to me because i have so damn much to lose if i screw up. i want to talk to my subbie sisters about this, for advice, at the same time i know i need to talk to Master *first* ... he needs to know how this is affecting me emotionally. the object lesson, it is easy to learn. the emotional impact ... it is terrifying to me ... because he loves me, and i love him ... i have so much to lose on *every* level of my life, my submission and surrender is so total, so deep ... everything is new again, my training is just starting ... i love Master so much. some say that love has no place in D/s ... in our case, it does ... it also makes it so intensely deeper ... to displease a Master, a friend and a lover all in one shot. i hope i made amends to all facets of the man i love.
i need to be able to deal with the emotional pain of this, so that i don’t end up disobeying Master by dwelling on this. that’s why i’m journaling ... get it into words, get it on the page, get it out of my head, stop obsessing on it.
current mood:  sad
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| Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
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8:50 pm - something wonderful
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first, an apology to my readers ... i've been neglecting this journal in favor of offline life, and another, private journal for my Master. but i obligated myself to this journal, and i'll honor my obligations. this is a very long post, lots to catch up on! just thought i'd warn ya ;)
something has happened to keep me so busy ... something wonderful :)
i am now Owned. the physical collaring ceremony took place last night ... please forgive me for going "cosmic muffin" metaphysical here, but honestly last night's ceremony was simply a point in time where my Master returned to me to claim me yet again as His. a week before, we had already looked into each other's eyes, and realized we were already together as Master and slave, and spoke the words to make it "true." we both feel that we've been dancing this dance throughout eternity ... there are too many coincidences, shared thoughts, shared feelings ... our connection is too strong to be confined to one lifetime alone.
the breeze of lilacs filled my house last week ... at work, Master had to ask his coworkers, "do you smell lilacs?"
my back was struck with lightning bolts of pain two weeks ago ... my Master had slipped and hurt his back.
so many times ... he has a thought, i speak it ... i have a thought, he speaks it. no matter what distance is between us.
i could go on for pages about all of the coincidences, both small and huge. i only know that i was whole, and now, i am more whole. we create between us something that is larger than the sum of its parts. i call it "Us" ... i love Master. i love Us.
my Master touches me, so softly i think i must be imagining it ... he looks into my eyes, i look into his ... he says "come" ... and i do. and i can't tell where i end, and he begins ... i can't tell where he ends, and i begin.
he is the Yang to my yin.
i am wearing Master's collar at this moment; it is a very beautiful silver necklace. but i wore his collar before that, in a spiritual sense ... after we had already recognized each other as Master and slave, and spoke the words, i had started to feel as if i had a collar around my neck. i'd wake up every morning feeling it, and reach up, and touch bare skin ... the sweet echo of Master's collar, of his domination, of his responsibility and his care, had wrapped my neck ... my heart ... my mind ... and my soul. some who heard our words doubted us, but never for one moment did i doubt the reality of Master's collar and my slavehood.
we found this collar in one of those "aha" moments ... simply looking at a jewelry kiosk, not knowing what we'd find ... there was, on the lowest shelf, far in the back, a rack of silver necklaces of different lengths. the shortest was more delicate than the next size up. Master put the larger on me, and it felt very good, but we agreed it was too loose. the design of the weave is such that it would take an extreme amount of work to alter the necklace. Master then put the smaller one on me ... and instantly i felt the exact collar i had been feeling since we first spoke our vows. it was amazing.
there's no way i can describe the feeling only in words ... if i were making a movie, i'd have to direct the scene like this: a woman is wearing a silver choker, but it's so translucent, you can see her skin through it, it's barely visible. a man places a silver choker over it ... and the second choker is simply fitting into the form of the first choker, making it visible. *lol* but seriously, it truly was an amazing moment ... i'm sorry i can't describe it in a way that would make the reader experience it also. i do know my heart took off in a wild flight of pure joy! Master's laughter as i jumped up and down and hugged him was music to my heart.
this collar is so perfect, it fits directly below Master's training collar, without discomfort. i will never have to take it off, except for medical emergencies. he closed the clasp with pliers ... he knows i would never even think to take it off, but it will help it not to come loose while i'm sleeping. the clasp itself is as beautiful as the collar ... a curlicue of silver, that interlocks with a loop. the chain made in the style of a Byzantine link, but closely resembles a Celtic "eternity knot" design. i don't know what compelled us to look where, and when, we did ... but as with everything else since the day i met this wonderful man, it happened "just so."
Master said he will have a leather (i.e. the traditional BDSM, utility) collar custom-made for me. he'll make sure it fits above his silver collar. i am also to work on an essay this week on what collars mean to me, a task i look forward to with much joy. i should mention the man who makes the collar and cuffs Master uses, simply because they are a joy to wear day and night, even during sleep: Leather by Danny, http://www.leatherbydanny.com.
i wear an "online collar" also, by putting Master's initials either beside my name, or in brackets, depending on what the format allows. i realize this is viewed as meaningless by so many, and i understand why ... there are people who change their online collars daily, sometimes even many times in the course of a night, as they go from one venue to another. that spoils even the thought of an online collar for so many people! it's just sad.
i look at my online collar in this way: 1) it is a simple reminder of my being Owned, just as so many other things in my life are a reminder. just as the sting from Master's welts when i sit causes me to think of him ... just as the petal of a lily he gave me brushed across my lips reminds me of his kiss ... so does the simple action of typing in my online collar. i make sure not to put it in a sig line ... i type it in each time. which leads me to the other way i look at my online collar: 2) a simple, meditative act of self-discipline. i am a slave, and i try to make sure that this flows into every aspect of my life. in short, it just plain feels right :)
another heart was hurt in the process of me becoming Owned and collared to Master, and i also seek to never let myself forget that. a slave sister was ready to petition Master for training, he found out *after* he and i had spoken our simple vows to each other. he let her know as soon as he possibly could, and in my opinion as honorably and caringly as he could. from what i understand, which is honestly one-sided, she had stated she wanted to play, with a possibility for more, with Master confirming that with her several times, and he was shocked at her wanting to petition him. i told Master ... i am polyamorous, and bisexual, and i welcome any slave sister with open heart and open mind ... i don't understand jealousy, although i do understand competitiveness. i know i can never be all things at all times for Master, if he finds another slave with facets that i don't possess, then the whole becomes more whole yet again! which i think is so profoundly joyful. :)
my slave sister does not want this, and i respect that. i have cried so hard, wishing i could talk to her, reach out to her, but i know i just need to back off and allow her the time and space she needs. i feel horrible knowing that my joy came along at the same time as someone else's pain. but i also know that miscommunication and timing play a huge part in meeting someone online, and i need to just hope that everything will work out for the best. and that i need to continue to be respectful and sensitive to the situation, even as egos clash and wounded pride lashes out, my place is to listen, learn, and support. in this, my collar serves also as a reminder of how blessed i am, and how grateful i am that i was able to know what i want and need, and to express it very clearly, to Master. there was a long time in my life when i wasn't know or express such things.
i had been going to petition my husband again, formally, for permission to be Owned by someone else, since he's decided he's not a Dominant and it still seeking his path. he and Master had met, and talked, we'd all eaten dinner together for several weeks in a row. my husband saw me flogged and beaten (he said later it affected him deeply in that he honestly doesn't know which end of the flogger he belongs on ... yet!), and he helped with the aftercare ... holding me along with Master as i dreamily slipped in and out of sleep, while they watched a movie together. so both of us have been able to heal from the bad experience we had, where he didn't understand safewords or aftercare. my husband has also experienced the awe and wonder of touching my welts, watching them change into bruises, and he said he doesn't know if he wants to cause them or wear them. as several people have already stated ... i envy him his newness! he's like a kid in a candy store :)
it turns out i don't need to petition my husband formally ... i've been taking a "let's see what happens" attitude, going with the flow and flux of my life. as of last night, he knows that i am Owned and collared. i do know he doesn't understand the concept of Master/slave yet, so we haven't talked about that, but he accepts and understands my relationship with Master, so that's enough for me, for now. my husband also maintains a "don't ask, don't tell" status about things he's uncomfortable with, so i know he'll ask when he's ready, and he knows i'll tell him the truth.
i am so happy :) i don't know what's going to happen a year from now, 10 years from now, or even a month from now, to be realistic. i do know that i'm spending next weekend with Master, with my husband's consent. he's eager to see more of my training, as well. he said he's never seen me so content, so radiant, so self-confident. in part he's hurt that he couldn't give me that, in part he's grateful, and a bit relieved (he wants to explore his own path without being rushed or pressured, and now he's free to do that).
resources on the concept of Yin-Yang and its symbol:
http://www.chinesefortunecalendar.com/yinyang.htm
http://www.wsu.edu:8080/~dee/CHPHIL/YINYANG.HTM
http://www.thebigview.com/tao-te-ching/yin-yang.html
thank you for reading this very long post!
next update will be: i'm working on an article about BDSM and abuse, rape and incest issues.
current mood:  happy
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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8:50 pm - something wonderful
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first, an apology to my readers ... i've been neglecting this journal in favor of offline life, and another, private journal for my Master. but i obligated myself to this journal, and i'll honor my obligations. this is a very long post, lots to catch up on! just thought i'd warn ya ;)
something has happened to keep me so busy ... something wonderful :)
i am now Owned. the physical collaring ceremony took place last night ... please forgive me for going "cosmic muffin" metaphysical here, but honestly last night's ceremony was simply a point in time where my Master returned to me to claim me yet again as His. a week before, we had already looked into each other's eyes, and realized we were already together as Master and slave, and spoke the words to make it "true." we both feel that we've been dancing this dance throughout eternity ... there are too many coincidences, shared thoughts, shared feelings ... our connection is too strong to be confined to one lifetime alone.
the breeze of lilacs filled my house last week ... at work, Master had to ask his coworkers, "do you smell lilacs?"
my back was struck with lightning bolts of pain two weeks ago ... my Master had slipped and hurt his back.
so many times ... he has a thought, i speak it ... i have a thought, he speaks it. no matter what distance is between us.
i could go on for pages about all of the coincidences, both small and huge. i only know that i was whole, and now, i am more whole. we create between us something that is larger than the sum of its parts. i call it "Us" ... i love Master. i love Us.
my Master touches me, so softly i think i must be imagining it ... he looks into my eyes, i look into his ... he says "come" ... and i do. and i can't tell where i end, and he begins ... i can't tell where he ends, and i begin.
he is the Yang to my yin.
i am wearing Master's collar at this moment; it is a very beautiful silver necklace. but i wore his collar before that, in a spiritual sense ... after we had already recognized each other as Master and slave, and spoke the words, i had started to feel as if i had a collar around my neck. i'd wake up every morning feeling it, and reach up, and touch bare skin ... the sweet echo of Master's collar, of his domination, of his responsibility and his care, had wrapped my neck ... my heart ... my mind ... and my soul. some who heard our words doubted us, but never for one moment did i doubt the reality of Master's collar and my slavehood.
we found this collar in one of those "aha" moments ... simply looking at a jewelry kiosk, not knowing what we'd find ... there was, on the lowest shelf, far in the back, a rack of silver necklaces of different lengths. the shortest was more delicate than the next size up. Master put the larger on me, and it felt very good, but we agreed it was too loose. the design of the weave is such that it would take an extreme amount of work to alter the necklace. Master then put the smaller one on me ... and instantly i felt the exact collar i had been feeling since we first spoke our vows. it was amazing.
there's no way i can describe the feeling only in words ... if i were making a movie, i'd have to direct the scene like this: a woman is wearing a silver choker, but it's so translucent, you can see her skin through it, it's barely visible. a man places a silver choker over it ... and the second choker is simply fitting into the form of the first choker, making it visible. *lol* but seriously, it truly was an amazing moment ... i'm sorry i can't describe it in a way that would make the reader experience it also. i do know my heart took off in a wild flight of pure joy! Master's laughter as i jumped up and down and hugged him was music to my heart.
this collar is so perfect, it fits directly below Master's training collar, without discomfort. i will never have to take it off, except for medical emergencies. he closed the clasp with pliers ... he knows i would never even think to take it off, but it will help it not to come loose while i'm sleeping. the clasp itself is as beautiful as the collar ... a curlicue of silver, that interlocks with a loop. the chain made in the style of a Byzantine link, but closely resembles a Celtic "eternity knot" design. i don't know what compelled us to look where, and when, we did ... but as with everything else since the day i met this wonderful man, it happened "just so."
Master said he will have a leather (i.e. the traditional BDSM, utility) collar custom-made for me. he'll make sure it fits above his silver collar. i am also to work on an essay this week on what collars mean to me, a task i look forward to with much joy. i should mention the man who makes the collar and cuffs Master uses, simply because they are a joy to wear day and night, even during sleep: Leather by Danny, http://www.leatherbydanny.com.
i wear an "online collar" also, by putting Master's initials either beside my name, or in brackets, depending on what the format allows. i realize this is viewed as meaningless by so many, and i understand why ... there are people who change their online collars daily, sometimes even many times in the course of a night, as they go from one venue to another. that spoils even the thought of an online collar for so many people! it's just sad.
i look at my online collar in this way: 1) it is a simple reminder of my being Owned, just as so many other things in my life are a reminder. just as the sting from Master's welts when i sit causes me to think of him ... just as the petal of a lily he gave me brushed across my lips reminds me of his kiss ... so does the simple action of typing in my online collar. i make sure not to put it in a sig line ... i type it in each time. which leads me to the other way i look at my online collar: 2) a simple, meditative act of self-discipline. i am a slave, and i try to make sure that this flows into every aspect of my life. in short, it just plain feels right :)
another heart was hurt in the process of me becoming Owned and collared to Master, and i also seek to never let myself forget that. a slave sister was ready to petition Master for training, he found out *after* he and i had spoken our simple vows to each other. he let her know as soon as he possibly could, and in my opinion as honorably and caringly as he could. from what i understand, which is honestly one-sided, she had stated she wanted to play, with a possibility for more, with Master confirming that with her several times, and he was shocked at her wanting to petition him. i told Master ... i am polyamorous, and bisexual, and i welcome any slave sister with open heart and open mind ... i don't understand jealousy, although i do understand competitiveness. i know i can never be all things at all times for Master, if he finds another slave with facets that i don't possess, then the whole becomes more whole yet again! which i think is so profoundly joyful. :)
my slave sister does not want this, and i respect that. i have cried so hard, wishing i could talk to her, reach out to her, but i know i just need to back off and allow her the time and space she needs. i feel horrible knowing that my joy came along at the same time as someone else's pain. but i also know that miscommunication and timing play a huge part in meeting someone online, and i need to just hope that everything will work out for the best. and that i need to continue to be respectful and sensitive to the situation, even as egos clash and wounded pride lashes out, my place is to listen, learn, and support. in this, my collar serves also as a reminder of how blessed i am, and how grateful i am that i was able to know what i want and need, and to express it very clearly, to Master. there was a long time in my life when i wasn't know or express such things.
i had been going to petition my husband again, formally, for permission to be Owned by someone else, since he's decided he's not a Dominant and it still seeking his path. he and Master had met, and talked, we'd all eaten dinner together for several weeks in a row. my husband saw me flogged and beaten (he said later it affected him deeply in that he honestly doesn't know which end of the flogger he belongs on ... yet!), and he helped with the aftercare ... holding me along with Master as i dreamily slipped in and out of sleep, while they watched a movie together. so both of us have been able to heal from the bad experience we had, where he didn't understand safewords or aftercare. my husband has also experienced the awe and wonder of touching my welts, watching them change into bruises, and he said he doesn't know if he wants to cause them or wear them. as several people have already stated ... i envy him his newness! he's like a kid in a candy store :)
it turns out i don't need to petition my husband formally ... i've been taking a "let's see what happens" attitude, going with the flow and flux of my life. as of last night, he knows that i am Owned and collared. i do know he doesn't understand the concept of Master/slave yet, so we haven't talked about that, but he accepts and understands my relationship with Master, so that's enough for me, for now. my husband also maintains a "don't ask, don't tell" status about things he's uncomfortable with, so i know he'll ask when he's ready, and he knows i'll tell him the truth.
i am so happy :) i don't know what's going to happen a year from now, 10 years from now, or even a month from now, to be realistic. i do know that i'm spending next weekend with Master, with my husband's consent. he's eager to see more of my training, as well. he said he's never seen me so content, so radiant, so self-confident. in part he's hurt that he couldn't give me that, in part he's grateful, and a bit relieved (he wants to explore his own path without being rushed or pressured, and now he's free to do that).
resources on the concept of Yin-Yang and its symbol:
http://www.chinesefortunecalendar.com/yinyang.htm
http://www.wsu.edu:8080/~dee/CHPHIL/YINYANG.HTM
http://www.thebigview.com/tao-te-ching/yin-yang.html
thank you for reading this very long post!
next update will be: i'm working on an article about BDSM and abuse, rape and incest issues.
current mood: happy
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 28th, 2002
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5:53 pm - sub "competitions"
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i had posted on this subject today, realized i should talk about it here, as well ... i?ve gotten this question a lot because i?m poly and bi ... how to keep jealousy from flaring between submissives/slaves?
i?ll relate the technique used by my former Master, although i?m sure he didn?t invent it, he did use it to everyone?s advantage! our D/s household was as large as 4 at one time, he and 3 subs. this also worked in the household of a Dom friend of his i was given to for training, allowing both households to overlap. (as usual, gender here is M/f but the technique applies to any combo.)
- formal, ?scened? competitions
these were the big cathartic times, about weekly, when we could just let go and beat each other?s asses. *grin* Master would set up the scene, then just let us go after each other. it always started with mock seriousness, and invariably at some point, for at least one of us, it would become ?real? and that?s when the catharsis would kick in. more often than not, we?d all end up laughing ourselves silly. each scene was different ...
Scrabble tournaments ... highest score gets to sleep with Master in the big bed.
game of Twister ... last subbie ?standing? gets to scene with Master alone that night.
wrestling ... pretty much any ?prize? that could possibly be won, from a kiss to a full night.
?tennis? *rolls eyes* ... running on hands and knees after a thrown tennis ball, using only mouth to fetch it for Master. mouth can be used to bite sister subbies!
... and role-play scenes like Dungeon (first one to make a noise is out), Confessional (naughtiest ?confession? wins)
essay and story-writing contests ... for the big prize of going on an overnight trip with Master. which was a win-win situation, because sisters left behind had each other to play with, so i can?t say i tried very hard to win this one.
- lotteries
this was just plain silly. we ran out of ideas for games one time and we got a bingo set, the kind with the cage and the balls, and did our own lottery. household tasks won us poker chips, poker chips got traded in for tickets ... tickets had just one bingo number on them, that we picked. Master would pick the lottery, sometimes to place one sub for the night with him, sometimes to pick our ?order? (queen and ladies in waiting, mother and children, owner and pets, etc.) for the night. ok, so the house was spotless and running very well, everyone was very well fed, in order for the subbies to get those damn tickets!! after that, it was Lady Luck deciding.
for the little jealousies that would flare up, we had to solve it ourselves. since Master chose his subs extremely carefully, there were no problems. if there was a big fight, i.e. ?you?ve had Master too many nights in a row,? we all knew we could put the hurt feelings on the back burner, get on with daily household business, knowing we would settle it soon and under Master?s guidance.
yes, the competitions could get vicious ... as vicious as any punishment caning or whipping. no more than that, tho, and because it?s a pre-negotiated scene, all players know the rules so no one can lay the blame on anyone else. it really fostered a sense of personal responsibility, and it helped me to be a better person in a lot of ways.
i also lost on purpose a few times ... just to get my own bed and some sleep! i didn?t keep that from Master, i wrote it in my journal.
ok, all this being said ... i hadn?t really thought about this much, i mean, i took it for granted all Masters did something like this if they played with more than one sub. i?m learning my former Master was the exception and not the rule. Doms seem to wait for the subs to work it out by themselves ... ok, i have been in the lifestyle for 18 years, it isn?t going to happen ... we?re subs, we?re waiting for the Dom's lead!! my hope is that any Dom who seeks me as his sub will understand i have no patience for jealousy ... i simply back off and move on. i feel jealousy is petty and insults the Dom ... how can a sub question a Dom?s taste in subs ... he chose her, didn?t he?? why then can?t he be trusted to choose a second or even a third with the same care? if she wants one-on-one, and the Dom doesn?t, it?s her job to move on, or to examine her own motivations.
i do feel strongly about this issue ... there are far more subs than Doms out there ... i feel that if a sub isn?t poly, she should just be right up front about it, to allow the Dom to make informed decisions. there are so many one-on-one couples that are so happy! i?m not knocking that. and i think even someone who?s not poly can learn to share, if the Dom provides a cathartic release for jealous tensions. if a Dom wants to play with more than one sub, he just needs to find poly or bi subs ... they?re not that rare, and they are worth waiting for :)
current mood:  awake
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 26th, 2002
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12:27 pm - yin yang redux
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life is a paradox as usual ...
life is short, and precious. i want to experience everything i possibly can and not waste a moment.
life is delicious, and i want to savor every moment to the fullest.
sigh.
well, as usual, i will bounce my thoughts and feelings between the two extremes, until finally settling on my Middle Path, and then i will be able to make decisions and take actions. i go through this for just about everything. i used to go to extremes, grew out of it when i turned 22 ... same time i also became Buddhist, so there's a correlation there. Buddhism has taught me to stay on the Middle Path, and that everyone's Middle Path is different, and to respect other's needs to rush or slow down and integrate that into my own needs, before i make "final" decisions.
i say "final" in quotes because i never feel like a decision is truly final ... i'm just opening a door. like the saying: when one door closes, another one opens ... in my life, it's been a constant progression of doors opening one after the other, with very few of them closing. my life feels more expansive, sometimes overwhelming, but it always turns out to be the best thing, so i just go with it.
i really am polyamorous. well duh, i knew that already ... but knowing it and *being in it* are two different things. it's been a long time since i've been able to share my whole heart with more than one person, i always wonder if i'm still capable of that ... i am. the more i open my heart, the more love seems to be there! which amazes me. how can i be whole, and share a part of me, and still be whole? how can two people be whole, and create a yin yang together, and still be whole? it's wild. "the whole is more than the sum of the parts" where is that from? i forget. but it applies.
so. i'm still in a very good state of flux right now. savoring, no hurries, and so much love. even my plain ol' friendships are glowing right now ... not sure if it's spring, or some cool planetary alignment, who cares, it's all good! *soft smile* oh geez i am such a hippie! i might as well put on love beads and go dance barefoot in the park. but it's too cold out today!!
some free-floating anxiety ... by "free-floating" for me that means, a very low level, and non-specific. there are connections and disconnections going on among my friends, and i feel their joy and their pain, and i worry. i can see how the ones in joy could become like the ones in pain, and vice versa ... i care so damn much. if the anxiety increases i know it's time to take a "vacation" from it, and talk to my therapist. but it's mellow anxiety, if there is such a thing ... if not, i just invented the term *grin*
oh look! there's a kiss in the palm of my hand ... *warm glowing grins* ... *presses her hand to her heart, and smiles*
current mood: happy
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 25th, 2002
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1:12 pm
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i'm never sure what to do when confronted with sub jealousy ... i'm thinking about all the times i've been confronted with it in general, and specifically wondering about it lately.
i believe it is the Dominant's choice, end of story. i won't fight for a Dom unless he wishes it (subbie competitions are fun! but those are set up by the Dom, as in a scene). it's not that i don't care!! there is a Dom in my life right now that i care so damn much about, my heart is dancing and i'm going to new heights, it's new and wonderful uncharted territory. so it's not that i don't care ... i simply trust and respect his choices in subs, just as i do in everything else.
i second-guess myself and ask, "should i be fighting for him? does he want it of me? does he expect it of me?" and my inner voice keeps calmly repeating "he will let you know. trust, trust."
a bit of playful jealousy among subs who are friends can be good, if a Dom needs an ego boost! nothing better than a pile of hot, wrestling subbies at your feet *giggle* everyone needs a good ego boost now and then, to feel appreciated. that i know how to deal with, and it's actually fun.
being a linkslut, i went searching the web for resources as usual. all i can find is what applies to existing D/s relationships, either collared or just serious. for play partners, i haven't found any experiences to read. i would post about it normally, to learn more about it, but that seems passive aggressive to me, since we're all on the same forum. hence my journaling. my instincts tell me to keep up good communication, check in from time to time, and simply go on as i have been, with my journal.
i just hate to see anyone hurt. i have seen subs mired in jealousy, i can feel the pain they're in. i worry ... i worry for everyone involved. too many times, far too many, i have seen competitions where most of the involved didn't even *want* the Dom for himself, they just wanted to "win" ... everybody loses when that happens. and if it's not just about winning ... if it's truly about chemistry, then i have to say again: it is the Dominant's choice. how can i expect to be owned if i will not respect, and ultimately trust, the wishes of my prospective owner?? i could fight, and maybe i could win ... and i know that then, i would lose ... never knowing if i am owned because it was truly meant to be.
i'm poly and bi, so maybe that's why i'm so clueless about jealousy. there's room in my heart, the more i give, the more i get ... some ppl hold back their love because they think it's finite, but i know it goes on forever in my heart. i have loved my subbie sisters and welcomed them into my heart before, and it has been wonderful. they felt the same as i did ... no need to compete, until the Dom commands it. so i've been blessed, or spoiled, to be in such good situations.
even in the one situation where a Dom decided he was sub, and left us subbies in the lurch ... we did drift apart slowly, because it was painful and awkward, but we still held each other in the highest regard.
i trust. i care. that's enough for me.
current mood:  thoughtful
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
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11:37 pm
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i am haunted sweetly still
by Your leather and steel caresses
Your kiss on my palm
pressed to my heart
warmth spreading inside
i glow
seared by the kiss of your weapons
soothed by the kiss of your touch
you pull my orgasms screaming out of me
one after another
all blending into One beast
for You
You are a Master, yet not my Master
Your presence calms my submissive self
safe and enfolded in Your pain
pushed, and protected
stroked and brushed
tears kissed away
tonight i sleep alone again
yet not alone
i am haunted sweetly still
by Your leather and steel caresses
i remain
Yours
tethered to my bed by soft echoes ...
current mood: peaceful
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(comment on this)
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12:32 pm
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i am just so amazed ... at where i am in my life right now, at who i am and who i am becoming ... amazed at how life works.
the wrist and ankle cuffs felt so ... just right. wearing them in public, i felt neither proud nor ashamed ... i just *felt* ... i can still feel the leather and hear the steel ... mmmm ...
my body isn?t as flexible as i?d like it to be. my hips are giving me some very alarming cramps, very deep inside, massage doesn?t touch it ... i need to see my orthopedist and be checked to see if it?s a new arthritis point ... i?m praying it?s not that, because i know how degenerative that can be in the hip sockets. i?m scared ...
i did feel good that i can simply hold a position i?m moved into or told to be in ... once i get my legs just right, no cramps, then i?m flexible or sturdy depending on the situation.
i?m in training ... so many things i already know, so many things i?m learning ... it?s all good. i was given permission to leave the cuffs on while i prepared dinner for my two favorite men in the world *grin* and my husband said later he really did like how it looked. but he didn?t say ?you look good? or ?you?re glowing? which i know i was (still am!). he?s deep into himself because of problems at his work right now, i can?t reach him.
i was put in a situation where my Dom knew i?d have to use my safeword ... damn that was hard :( i cried ... i hate safewords. but he knew i needed to be able to use them and not feel shame, because of past bad experience. so i said it. it took me a long time ... i think i would have gone on forever and not said it if i hadn?t been reminded. i think i understand now more about safewords. but still ... i feel more safe within bondage, physical or mental ... i don?t feel safe ?calling out? of it. i have to learn.
this is what i miss so much in my life ... someone having my best interests at heart ... someone paying attention to details and not forgetting the little things ... someone *caring*. i don?t have that with my husband, and i don?t know if i ever will.
i was blessed to wear a collar for about half an hour ... i had to ask, ?what kind of collar is this?? before i could decide ... he said it was a training collar only ... i felt safe then, knowing what a collar means is so important to both of us. and then ... i can?t describe it. i know i went deep into subspace, or something else, i don?t know ... never felt it before ... all i know is, today i still feel all of the restraints, like an echo or shadow, and it?s wonderful!! it?s where i belong. some women want diamonds ... i want leather and steel. a diamond is beautiful to look at ... leather and steel make me beautiful, from the inside out.
current mood: peaceful
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 16th, 2002
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3:46 pm
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You say you're not an artist
why then are Your brush strokes
painted upon the canvas
of my skin and my soul?
You turn cold into heat
You turn dark into light
You turn pain into pleasure
You turn tears into diamonds
You turn the pages of the past with me,
and, pausing, You turn a new page,
and pull me into the present.
The world opens.
You mark my self with Your eyes
Your lips
Your voice
Your hands
Your weapons
and Your soul.
Yet my mark is upon You as well,
in awe and confusion, wisdom and purity,
You allowed me to mark
Your soul with mine.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 14th, 2002
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6:51 pm - he said yes!
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my husband accepted my petition, everything on it, and only added that he needs time to figure out if he?s a Dom, or a switch. if he?s a switch, then we?ll both be doing more in the way of Top training. he won?t know until he has more experience.
he said yes to me being Dominated by others ... for training, or just for my personal needs, or even for his need to watch. today he added that he feels like things are going too fast, that he wants to just absorb everything. so i?m going to continue to be Mentored by a good friend, and just go with the flow.
i have heard it said that submissive women are weak, or dependent ... that we have no mind of our own, we seek someone to fill a void in us, we need to be taken care of or we can?t survive on our own. .i know now that none of this is true for me. i feel more empowered today than i have ever felt before in my life ... it?s very close to the way i felt with my first Master, but different in that this time, i had to go the extra steps to ask my husband to consider being my Master. i had to put pride away, and fear, and doubt, and just take a leap of faith.
nothing is perfect ... we argued a bit about money today, he made a comment i felt was rude. but it was different ... he took responsiblity for it right away, and told me he was just bugging out about money in general lately, and he said that he needs to not take it out on me. i haven?t heard him talk this way before!! he seemed as if he had more self-awareness, he gave off very secure vibes.
also, we went to see a movie ... and he opened the car door for me and got me settled in first ... he opened doors for me ... he put his hand in the small of my back, gently, as if guiding me ... when i reached for the popcorn as i always do, he held it away from me and grinned and fed me popcorn one piece at a time!! he hasn?t treated me like this since we were dating, 12 years ago!!
our 10th anniversary is coming up on May 2nd. the anniversary we both thought we?d never see. he said today he?s changed his mind about an anniversary ring ... we don?t have extra money, but he at least wants us to pick one out together, and put it on layaway. May 4th is the local playspace?s monthly event ... so we?ll be going together, to observe. what an anniversary date!!
he asked me if i?d gather web resources for him to read, and i gladly said yes! we agreed on safewords first, and the importance of aftercare. he never received aftercare for any of the domination he?s experienced before, which he never told me, so it makes sense now, in a sad way. he was still very wrong. he?s afraid i?m going to hold his ?bad track record? against him, as in, bring it up every time we want to scene. i said there?s no need for me to bring it up unless i see it happening again. he also feels he?d be judged in the community i?m active in online, because i posted there about all the bad stuff. i have no idea what the reaction would be, so i won?t push him on it ... there are plenty of D/s communities online, where he can get involved to ask questions about Dominance, maybe find a Mentor. or a Domme, if he?s a switch. *shrug* it?s one of those ?i?ll cross that bridge when i come to it? kind of things.
my first instinct was to just be blindingly happy and forgive and forget everything. my *second* instinct was to ignore my first instinct! and to just be realistic about things. this is obviously a ?honeymoon? phase ... venturing on something new, this time with guidelines and rules and structure ... there?s going to be trial and error. i am NOT dropping my safety plans. maybe someday in the future there?ll be a morning when i wake up and say ?now is the time to let it go and not worry about it anymore.? today is not that day, and i?m patient enough to wait for that day without letting it ruin my ability to enjoy the moment.
i feel conflicted about that ... trust is essential to D/s relationships ... my trust at this point is honestly conditional. the condition being, i am going to need strict contracts, negotiations, and safewords until ... well, until i feel i don?t need them anymore. yes, he did cause the situation that makes me need those things. i?ve got to figure out how to trust, yet be careful, at the same time. at least he understands and agrees about this.
collaring is for the future. it?s an ?if? or a ?when? to me, and that?s ok. i?ve heard so many experiences where a husband tries to be his wife?s Dom, and it doesn?t work, so the wife is collared to another. i?m poly, so i can do that. he?s not poly, but my petition did include a request that he consent to be being Dominated by others (leaving the reasons for that open to future petitions of course) and he did consent to that. he wants to take some time to absorb that, tho. i respect that. i know D/s is a power exchange, where both are equals ... but i do know that subs tend to move into it far more quickly than Dominants. not sure why that is. but it?s true for me ... i?m ready, right here, right now. Patience is still my Master, if i can?t control my own desires who am i to ask for them to be controlled for me?
current mood:  content
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| Friday, April 12th, 2002
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2:22 pm - petitioning my husband
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i?m going to be petition my husband to be my Dominant, Sir or Master, tomorrow (Saturday).
i've had about 3 years to think about this ... i've been traveling a path where i'm learning my wants and needs, learning who and what i am. i've been in therapy, healing past hurts, which has uncovered desires and abilities that were hidden underneath fears and insecurities. my life and my heart are very full right now ... and that's the perfect time to submit. i'm not looking for Another to complete me, or fill a void, or fix me. i'm looking for the yang to my ying ... each complete in ourselves, each containing some essence of the other, and coming together only to create harmony. my husband in nearly every way is that yang for my yin ... we're best friends. i need more than a friend now. i'm asking him to take the extra steps with me, or to let me go.
i am a submissive woman, Dom or no Dom ... after all, i'm a woman regardless of if i'm with a man. i realize now it's not a thing of my past, or a phase that i went through ... it's just who i am. and i need a Dom, a Sir or Master. i'm not sure if i'm a slave, that's another issue altogether. but i do know this with all my heart and soul: i am complete, but my life is incomplete without Domination.
what i will be asking my husband for:
1. that he be my Dominant.
a) if he says yes to this: i ask that he
- attend BDSM munches, playspaces, parties, and other functions with me, so we can observe together before we put anything into practice.
- study Dominance, in any way.
- talk to other Dominants, online or offline, maybe even get a Mentor.
- leave open the possibility of watching me be Dominated by Another, so that he can learn, and participate.
b) if he says no to this, i ask that he
- allow me to be Dominated by Another. with complete openness and honesty on my part, not closing him out in any way.
- consider if he wants to watch me be Dominated by Another, to let him know that i will understand any needs he has and will fulfill them.
2. if he says no to both of the above:
a) i ask that he release me, by filing for divorce.
b) i will let him know that if he won't file for divorce, then i will in no uncertain terms continue to seek and receive Dominance in my life, in any way i'm able, and i will be completely open and honest with him about it, and i will understand if this becomes unacceptable to him and he wants to divorce me. but i will NOT accept abuse, physical or verbal. i will NOT accept isolation. any reactions he has that are outside the realms of abuse, we can work through. but i will NOT tolerate any abuse whatsoever.
3. that he at the very least will consider participating in the BDSM lifestyle with me, that we can become a "sub couple," and find a Domme together. i'm bisexual and polyamorous, so i have no problems being Dominated by a woman. or if he wants a Domme for himself, and i can choose a Dom, that's fine too, as long as we share our experiences.
preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best:
i asked my lawyer about this ... last year when my husband left me for a month, i needed a lot of help (i'm disabled) and i was given a pro bono lawyer who works for abused women in the disabled community. he said to call him if a separation or divorce might be coming up, so i did. he's not a KAP so i just told him that i'm writing a letter to my husband, where i in part ask for an "open marriage" ... and does infidelity play a part in divorce in our state? he said since there are no children involved, it doesn't play any part, it's a "no fault" state. he did say that i might want to remove heirlooms and irreplacibles from our home before it goes to court ... the burden of proof is on the party who wants the money or property, so he'd have to prove that he has a right to things my mom willed to me, or my artworks and art supplies, or my clothes and such. most everything in the house is mine, the stuff we bought is of minimal value, and i don't want it anyway. i feel good that i got the legal worries out of the way first ... it frees me to concentrate solely on the matters of the heart.
how do i think my husband will react? i have a few ideas but don't know which way he'll go. he's not vanilla, never has been. he's alwyas shown a lot of excitement and eagerness for kink stuff with me, although there's never a follow-through no matter how great the experience is (that may be an ADD issue). i do know he's been craving structure in his life lately, as have i. we've talked about the structure and discipline of a D/s relationship, i've shared books and essays with him. he shows excitement, but i like i said, he lacks the follow-through. we always get along better by writing to each other ... it gives him time to mull things over, to not have to make a choice right away. so i expect it will take some time for him to make decisions about this. i'm happy to back off and give him the room and time he needs.
if the worst happens and he explodes in anger, and he becomes abusive ... that's the completely unpredictable factor in our marriage ... i have phone numbers to call, a safe house to go to, a bag packed and money hidden, and friends who can help me pack my household things and leave.
if the best happens, then i will be one very happy subbie! *grin*
wish me luck ... and read here for updates.
current mood:  determined
current music: Seduces Me - Celine Dion
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| Wednesday, April 10th, 2002
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1:07 pm
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self-confidence ... self-esteem ... self ...
i was reading a post on this subject ... basically the author seems to be saying that most submissives lack self-confidence, waiting for a Dominant to provide it for them. that got me thinking ... do i do that myself?
it’s true that i’ve never felt as confident as when i’m submissive ... even during the most awkward and shy moments as a sub, my confidence level is far higher than it is during other times. my art ... i don’t know if it’s good until someone says it’s good. same with my cooking ... housework ... and so on. all the things i create externally from myself, it’s so easy for me to lose confidence about them ... the tiniest compliment and it’s restored, though. that’s just the “people pleaser” in me. but that has nothing to do with submission ...
submission is an internal thing ... some would say it’s physical and mental, i say it’s also very spiritual ... i’m still “creating” something, if only a mood, a set of emotions, responses ... but for some reason, i have total confidence in myself when i submit. i have to say, it’s the only time i ever truly feel 100% at peace with who i am. the rest of the time, i might be 90% at peace ... but the moment i begin to submit, in any way ... all my doubts, fears, they just melt away.
now ... is that me relying on the Dominant to provide me with self-confidence? or is it that a Dominant triggers inside me my own innate self-confidence?
i’ve recently had the blessing to be in the presence of a Dominant and to share in some simple, tender moments of submission ... it’s hard to describe the feeling, but i’ll try. i do know i felt a blossoming inside myself, outwards towards the Dom, and i felt energy coming right back at me ... creating a circle. a power exchange. i submitted, and i gained ... that’s the part that’s so hard to describe. but so very essential. i wasn’t looking for the Other to complete me ... i wasn’t looking for anything at all ... i just ... opened. and i received. and i felt confident, and strong, and powerful ... at the same time, feeling so small, tender, gentle. and savoring all of the myriad of feelings, dizzy and incredibly grounded at the same time ...
i have to say, submitting alone doesn’t bring this feeling ... in D/s play with my husband, i’ve submitted, but there’s nothing to submit *to* since he’s not Dominant. so it’s purely physical, only slightly emotional, and not spiritual at all. so in the presence of a natural Dominant ... wow. the training i received so many years ago was right there for me as if not one day had passed ... my body and my mind and my soul knew exactly what i wanted, it awoke ... i opened ... and i received. i gave, and i took. the taking isn’t as conscious for me as the giving, though, it seems just a happy side effect. *warm smile*
when presented with the opportunity to examine a Dom’s toys ... i felt like a child on xmas morning! trying to be demure and not show my absolute glee, but it showed anyway *lol* and the “trying on” ritual, so safe, being able to see what this restraint or that feels like, without having to go further ... feeling my wrist and then my entire soul enveloped in leather, and Dominance, and pure energy. it felt as natural as putting on shoes to walk in.
at one point i just had to close my eyes and listen to the clink of steel clasps, so familiar, so long gone from my life, again that feeling that not one day had passed. so sensual ... not just the sight, the smell, the feel of restraints ... but the sounds, too ... the symphony of leather sliding on leather ... steel meeting steel ... my pale wrist exposed and protected so wonderfully. the thumb cuffs, i’d seen but never tried before ... the trustful showing of the key, and the placing of the cuffs loosely and briefly, so i could flex my wrists and hands and see how they felt. then unlocked in a moment, as i knew they would be ...
yet the most restraining part was having my hair grasped tightly, and my head pulled back ... i thought i was going to just melt, totally and absolutely ... it reminded me of how completely tied i can be without any ropes or restraints at all ... “invisible bondage” it’s called ... so gentle and strong at the same time, so loving and fierce at the same time. i was speechless *grin* those who know me know that’s near nigh impossible a state for me to be in.
oh, speaking of speechless ... my husband and i will fight, or he’ll be in a bad mood, he’ll tell me offhand to shut up or be quiet ... all that does is piss me off and make me want to talk more. because it’s not Dominance, it’s just him being bossy, us butting egos. but a simple, gentle finger laid across my lips struck me as silent as could be, and made me feel so quiet inside too ... another feeling hard to describe ... taking away my speech, but giving me a safe quiet place to curl up in emotionally. letting me know i don’t have to fill the silence, that i can just let myself be filled by the moment.
i’d thought a part of my life was gone, or repressed ... but it was simply here inside me all along, right under the surface ... not even that deep under the surface, because those who are Dominant are able to see it so clearly, and tell me so. i live a full and busy life, but that one facet is truly missing, i realize that now. is it a full life without submission? i can say it’s a good life. it’s not the best possible life. i know now that things need to change, i need to have serious talks with my husband ... i’m keenly watching and listening for the right moment, out of love and respect for him. knowing he needs to respect me, also.
melicia closes her eyes and tilts her head up for any sort of kiss One wishes to bestow ... knowing that she will fall into it, whole and alive, dancing inside herself and opening herself completely ...
current mood: peaceful
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| Monday, April 8th, 2002
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10:42 pm - feeling nurtured
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what a wonderful evening ... so many thoughts and feelings to process, all of them good, some of them tinged only with a little bittersweet sadness ...
i didn’t realize how lacking my life has been in affection ... caring ... nurturing ... compliments ... just plain nice-ness. and having missed these things for so many years, i didn’t feel its absence so keenly until i felt a taste of these things again ... at times i wanted to cry from the intensity of it, but happy tears. mostly i can’t stop smiling and laughing with joy!
i have a lot of friends, some of them affectionate, but none able to give me what i’ve been missing for so long ... a sense of being valued for who i am. someone who can see my submission, and care about it, and value it ... it’s just an amazingly good feeling.
my husband came home from work ... gave me a hug and kiss ... went off to eat ... i stood there feeling the emptiness of that kiss. it really was just empty ... not the kind of kiss that goes all the way to my toes, not the kind of kiss that lets me know i’m a woman. it was a dutiful kiss. but even when we kiss more than that ... something’s missing. i don’t know what. i DO know what i want in a kiss ... to be possessed, to be explored, to be made to feel like the woman and the submissive i am.
i feel very safe and nurtured tonight. in a soft sweet way. i also feel keenly my submission, more than i have in a very long time. i feel i’ve slipped right back into a place i used to be, where i was known and valued and i understood the world ... and it is a very good place to be in :)
tonight i heard for the first time the words "you're very well trained" and i'm not sure what to feel or say ... it's a good thing, it's a bad thing. bad to be so well trained and not be able to live my life to the fullest and offer myself to someone who can use me. good to know that after many years i remember my lessons, that it does my former Masters credit for being such good teachers. and it just feels natural to me. it's who i am. to give myself over in trust and acceptance, even if only to a good friend.
all i can say is ... i'm in a very good place right now. and that's more than most people can say. so i'm just going to enjoy it for what it is :)
current mood:  rejuvenated
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